6 Red Flags to Look Out For When Becoming an Au Pair (+ My Horror Story)

Becoming an au pair is one of the easiest ways to move to another country and experience the culture, people, and language in an intimate way. Free websites like AuPair World can help connect aspiring au pairs to families and facilitate their move abroad. In this article, I’ll share my au pair experience, as well as some of the red flags of becoming an au pair to look out for so you *hopefully* have a more positive experience than I did.

Starting Out

When I decided I wanted to become an au pair, my dream destination was New Zealand. I connected with a wonderful family (a single mom and two kids). We FaceTimed regularly for a couple of months and I really felt it was a good choice for me. Unfortunately, the timing of the pandemic had other plans, as we kept waiting for the borders to open and they simply weren’t going to for the foreseeable future.

I was living in France at the time and had met my now husband and wanted to stay in France to see where the relationship would go. I decided to look for a family on the French Riviera in order to be close to where he was living, and I had about two weeks to find a family and apply for my visa from Spain—where I still had residency—before my visa at the time expired.

The Time Crunch Was Stressful

If you are thinking of becoming an au pair, start looking for families long before you need to apply for your visa so you can be sure you match with the right family and have time to ask the important questions. I wasn’t afforded this luxury.

I found a French couple that was around my age (26 at the time) living in Marseille that had two young children. We connected via FaceTime and they needed someone to start right away. They told me their children, 2 ½ and 6, understood and spoke English. I was thrilled that I was able to stay near my partner and continue living in France.

After I obtained my visa and moved to Marseille, reality set in quickly. The city center apartment was small for five of us, and Marseille isn’t anything to write home about in my opinion. The kids did not in fact speak let alone understand a word of English, and they were out of control to put it lightly.

The first day when I was having breakfast with my new host “parents” (though it felt weird calling them that because we were the same age) the girlfriend essentially told me that she had chosen me over another au pair because I was less attractive, proceeding to show me a photo of a gorgeous blonde who they were also interviewing. Yikes.

I love kids. I’ve worked with kids since I was practically a kid myself. But taking care of children day in and day out that didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand them (I was still learning French and taking courses) took a massive toll on my well-being. I eventually decided to search for another family whose children actually understood English and was closer to my partner. I found through various Facebook groups and searches that the relocation process is quite common in the au pair world—as expected you can’t vibe with everyone.

A Change of Pace

At last, I found an Irish family that was living closer to Nice. They lived in a huge villa and I even had my own apartment attached to the house. They paid me well and it was a massive improvement from my previous situation. I didn’t think to ask any questions beyond my au pair responsibilities because I was so ready to leave Marseille.

I was taking care of a six-month-old, and they also had a seven-year-old that did activities every day after school, so I was mostly responsible for the baby. The first few months were great. I was working as a freelance copywriter as well and we had an arrangement that in the evenings and while the baby was sleeping I was free to write and work on my own projects.

As an au pair in France, you’re legally only supposed to work 20 hours per week, and you need to register with the local authorities that you are living with your French family. Emphasis on French family. As an Irish family in France, they weren’t legally allowed to have an au pair, therefore I wasn’t able to register my relocation from Marseille.

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

Soon I was working 35-40 hours a week. When I was copywriting as was our original agreement, my host mom gave me additional tasks to complete. I didn’t feel integrated into or included in their family like I thought my au pair experience would be, instead I felt I was being taken advantage of as a servant in their house. She would continue to push my boundaries, saying I needed to work later to clean the kitchen or earlier so she could have her personal trainer time.

I would like to add here that she didn’t work, she had two cleaners come to the house MWF, another person did the laundry on Fridays, her husband cooked every meal, as well as me taking care of her baby full time… you get the idea. The whole thing felt weird and it got out of hand quickly. I wasn’t happy.

At one point I was having communication problems with my freelance client and she convinced me to write a letter explaining my grievances instead of simply communicating them to her openly and that client ended up letting me go. Looking back I realize that I was manipulated into depending on my host mom for my only source of income and freeing up more time for me to focus on her needs.

My au pair visa was valid for one year beginning in October. When I started with the second family in January, I had planned to stay with them until October when my visa expired, possibly extending if everything went well. I learned that since I wasn’t legally registered with them I wouldn’t have been able to extend my visa to continue to work for them, nor did I want to at that point.

Summer was approaching and I wanted to return to the States to visit my family for the first time in two years because of the pandemic. I decided that I would tell my host mom in April that I would be leaving in July, giving her two months to find another au pair, and considering the agreement that if I were to leave I had to give one month’s notice, I thought I was being courteous by being open with her.

She didn’t speak to me the entire week, and when I left for the weekend on Friday to go to my boyfriend’s house, I received a two page long email from her. She attacked my character in ways that were so cruel that I had never experienced before in my life. She told me that I had Saturday afternoon to get all of my stuff and leave the apartment in the immaculate condition in which it was presented to me. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to the kids, who I obviously grew attached to and cared for greatly.

Years later, I still can’t believe it ended like that. I learned many lessons from that time, and I would like to share some of them with you if you are thinking of becoming an au pair.

6 Red Flags To Look Out For When Becoming an Au Pair:

• The family doesn’t introduce the children when you meet them via video chat. 

  • This was a big one from my first family that I should’ve noticed straight away. They claimed their kids understood English and I should have asked to meet them on FaceTime to get a chance to speak to them and confirm if this was true.

• There are no written contracts for the work you will be doing and how many hours per week.

  • It’s important to establish clear boundaries when working as an au pair, otherwise you will be taken advantage of. If boundaries are overstepped, make sure to communicate this immediately, calmly, and professionally. Discuss a working schedule and contract.

• Your host parents continually overstep your boundaries.

  • This is a tricky situation. It’s important to be flexible as an au pair because you are living with your boss, and if they need something last minute you want to show them that you’re dependable. However, there is give and take and if your personal time (or space) continues to be invaded, you need to stand up for yourself.

• The situation seems too good to be true.

  • A huge villa with your own living space? A generous weekly stipend? Yes, these things are great, but if you live in a big villa in the countryside with no car you will be stuck at the house on weeknights and during your working hours. It’s important to evaluate your lifestyle and personal needs in order to be content with your situation. If something seems too good to be true, it’s time to dig a little deeper and employ some critical thinking.

• The family ignores basic legal requirements for your stay with them.

  • When my second family acted like their hands were tied because they couldn’t register me legally as their au pair, every worker’s right that I had went out the window. I technically wasn’t even living with them and they had total control to dispose of me when they pleased—which they certainly did. Pay attention to the country’s laws where you will be living and make sure all bureaucratic boxes are checked.

• Ask about their previous au pairs if applicable and request their contact information.

  • This is huge. Always ask about their previous au pairs and if you can speak to them about how their experience was with the family. If they refuse, that’s a sign that they most likely mistreated people in the past and they will mistreat you too. It’s not invasive to ask about this, you are doing your due diligence.

Being an au pair can be an incredibly rewarding experience—I don’t want to negate that in this article. You can build lasting relationships with families from across the world, learn a new language, and fully immerse yourself in another culture while exploring new places.

It’s important to be mindful and diligent about the family you choose to live with because, ultimately, you are living with your employer and you depend on them for many things during your life abroad. Maintain clear boundaries and communication expectations from the beginning and you will set yourself up for success as an au pair.

Are you thinking about becoming an au pair or have a story to share? I would love to hear it!